What Do I Tell My Daughters When...?

This past weekend I received a phone call from one of my adult daughters. As most mothers know, phone calls are not always consistent yet, are always enjoyed when one has children a long distance from them.

My joy was short lived. My daughter had run into a situation that had her upset, angry and more than a little confused. Here is some background to the story. My daughter, we will call her twin A, is in the dental field. She lives in a Southern state where the dental hygienists are not legally allowed to give anesthetic of any kind, to their patients.

Since my husband and I moved back to California, it has been our goal to facilitate the relocation of our daughters from the South, where they currently live, back home with us in N. California. As a part of this plan, twin A came out to take an extensive dental anesthesia course and is awaiting her license.

She did not hide this fact from anyone she works with and is in fact, quite proud. Once she got back home and returned to work, she discussed what she had learned with one of the dentists she works with. This was on his instigation and she thought he was genuinely interested in her achievement. They spoke about her course in a technical manner for some time. During this conversation, he mentioned a particularly difficult technique used when administering a local injection. She explained to him what she learned and the unique technique she was taught.

Everything was just fine, or so she thought. That is, until the dentist said to her, “Yeah well, don’t get cocky. It is not that easy and you are not a dentist.”

In order for my daughter to pass, the course she had to demonstrate what she had learned on two separate patients, in front of the instructors. I had the good fortune (?) to be one of those guinea pigs. She made me very proud to be her mother. She was professional, caring and had a great touch. There was a series of nine (9) injections to be given and each one was better than I had ever received in the past. I barely felt them.

My daughter continued telling me about her day with this dentist. Throughout her workday, this man repeatedly made comments to the effect that HE was the dentist while SHE was a lowly hygienist and on and on.  She did not take this course for any reason other than to return to her home state. Not to outdo this dentist, nor to take matters into her own hands when he wasn’t looking. Yet, he felt a deep-seated need to put her down for the entire day.

What do I tell my daughter? I opened with, “Well, at least you cannot get fired for not sleeping with your boss anymore, like I did at 15 years of age.” She was aghast that such a thing could have happened.

So I tried again. I tried to explain to her that not all men are like her father, my husband. Not all men like women and unfortunately, some feel it is their duty to treat us badly. That some men do not feel like men unless they are hurting or belittling women. I also mentioned that it is entirely up to her to allow an ass like that to rent space in her head free of charge. She should just forget about what he said. That, probably for the rest of her life, she will meet men like this. Those men with little to no self-esteem which derives from personal accomplishment rather than making others feel less than.

However, I was…no, I am ashamed. When I was her age, I thought that the ERA would be passed at any moment. The Women’s Movement was not about changing things for women, only! The Women’s Movement was about everybody and anybody being allowed to fill the role they were best suited for and most comfortable in. It was never about taking anything from our male counterparts but about women receiving our fair share.

Nevertheless, it hurt and the pain is still palpable, for me. Women were so close to achieving parity and now we seem to be even further away from our goals. How could this happen? How did it become commonplace for young women to think that “Feminism” is a dirty word? Who convinced our daughters that going to strip clubs with their boyfriends on a date was okay? How did this happen?

Many factors come into play when trying to determine how the Women’s Movement has gone backwards, in the last ten years or so. If you have ideas as to why this has happened or how to fix it, I invite your comments. This is going to be an ongoing theme as I continue to research this problem. Thanks in advance for taking the time to give your input.